Day {13} of {30}: Despite

 

*Despite the fact that we had a fun morning of spending time together before church.

*Despite the fact that Parleigh got a morning nap.

*Despite the fact that Paisley ate 5 “ham” sandwiches.

*Despite the fact that we lazily got ready for church, and still had time to spare before racing out the door.

*Despite the fact that we had enough time to take some pictures with our darling 3 year old.

*Despite the fact that I even read the Sunday School lesson ahead of time and pondered it.

*Despite the fact that the boys and Paisley promised to behave at church.

*Despite the fact that I went into the chapel doors with a positive attitude.

*Despite the fact that Parker promised to be a big helper for me today.

*Despite the fact that I had enough snacks and books to entertain the children.

*Despite the fact that a wore a “flow-y”dress and flats as apposed to a “form fitting” dress and heels.

Despite all this, and even more {cause believe me, I’m never at a loss for words!}

I ended up getting so upset and packed the kids up and left church. During sacrament meeting. With them screaming. And crying. And my arms completely full. And we sit in the second pew from the front. And I have 4 kids under the age of 5. And fruit puffs and apple wedges everywhere. And I’m stuffing crayons and coloring pages and scriptures in my bag. And I still have a car seat to lug around. And a kind Sister tries to help. And I’m grabbing Parlieigh out of her hands. And trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Cause I’m crying. And my eyes and face are red. Cause I am not a “pretty” crier. And I storm out of there. Straight to the parking lot. I try not to break down in front of the other ward who is just getting out of church. Cause it’s already bad enough that I’ve embarrassed myself in front of my own ward, and now in front of even more? And when my friend tries to help me to the car, I don’t even look at her. I probably didn’t even thank her. Cause I’m too embarrassed that two Sisters got up to help me out the the chapel. Once the kids are buckled in, I break down sobbing. Uncontrollably. And I don’t know why. You know, the one where odd sounds escape your mouth. And the kids are screaming that they don’t want to leave church. Screaming it. And that I left Paisley’s doll. And Please don’t drive away. MOM!! Don’t drive away. We left Paisley’s doll……

All because they weren’t getting along before the opening hymn. I should have left then and there. Got up. And left then. Before I was an emotional wreck. Before I had to get up with Parleigh twice because she was screaming. Flat out—screaming. Her body would tense up, and she would scream. uuuggghhh. Before I went to the bathroom twice to dry my eyes to “pretend” I  wasn’t crying. Trying to make my eyes not be red. Trying not to make eye contact with anyone in fear I would break down and cry. {FYI, if I’m crying, don’t ask me if I’m okay. Cause, apparently I’m not. And it just makes it WORSE. Like, way worse. My eyes become an uncontrollable leaky faucet.}

 

Despite all this, tomorrow will be a better day. I will forget all about this as my children tell me good morning. And give me hugs. And kisses. And say silly things that make my heart smile. And play together. Because, they forgive each other a lot faster than it takes me to forgive others. And I need to learn a thing or to from them.