I was going through some old files last night, and I came across a present that I got from my brother Matt back in 2001. I just HAD to share it with all of you. Really, Matt is pretty much the coolest brother EVER! And this is probably the coolest present I have ever recieved. One that I will never get rid of:
This is how he gave it to me, in an old envelope, with his address scribbled out....
Dear Kate, Dec 11, 2001
While at work I was thinking about a present to get you for Christmas and I decided it should be something original, something I hadn’t given you before. The thought crossed my mind that I hadn’t ever written you a letter. I don’t write many letters. “Matt, you’re a genius,” I thought. “You can write Kate a letter—it’s inexpensive, easy, and all together original.” After all, who’s ever heard of a letter for a Christmas present? My conscience got the better of me and I decided this could be jus t a part of the present this Christmas. So, without further ado, here is your amazing Christmas present. Read on, if you dare. You can share it with others or keep it for yourself, whichever you deem appropriate.
Dear Kate,
How are you? I am fine. I like to ride horses. My favorite color is green. My best friend said I should join the circus. How old are you? What is the name of your frog? Do cats have ears? How about bats? I know a man named Curdle Hoger. He likes to borrow money. Blankets are warm. When they are wool. And thick. My doctor said that I am not to poke sharp objects in my ears anymore. What’s a sharp object? Sometimes I get a funny feeling in my stomach. After I eat glue. I can wiggle my ears. I like ears. Ears are alright. Dogs make funny noises. Sometimes. Like when they are chasing armadillos, Or eating peanut butter......
At this point in the letter, I think I shall switch modes to a style more acceptable to general society as a whole. Society like poets, so I shall become a poet.
Dearest Kate within whom yonder calls
Oh, how I wish words weren’t necessary
to describe the joy at which the meadow
becomes the meadowlark
It is at this point, my dear, that
Nuclear Power, its resonant head striking
forward, becomes at peace with me
and my immortal soul—gesturing wildly
with innocent abandon, smelling slightly
fish like with no room for eggplant.
Kate, oh Kate, oh Kate, God shed his
grace on thee.......
Speaking of thee, at this point in the letter, the author would like to once again switch literary styles. He would now like to speak in the form of a biblical scholar. Hold tight.
Deareth Kate,
verse 1 Thy Lord hath given thee but one promise—If though listen to my
workeths, thou shalt giveth thy brother one half of all thou maketh.
Foreth example, Thy Lord sayeth, If thou receiveth Ten goats, thou shalt
giveth thy brother, he being the younger of thy brothers, five of said goats.
The same goes for money and jewelry too, yo. Heareth my word and
obeyeth me, sayeth thy Lord, else I will striketh thou down and cuteth off
thy fingers and feedeth them to thy goats. They I shalt smile in eternal
glee, for I am thy eternal protector. And if thy neighbor should have a
yard light which shineth all night, go to thy neighbor’s yard light and
smiteth it in the name of me, THY LORD>
verse 2 And it came to pass that the Lord was happy with Kate, for she did as she
was commanded. However, her brother was shivering in the cold, for he
had no goats for warmth at night. Thus, Kate went to her brother, he
being the younger, and gave him all of her money and cd’s. And the Lord
saw it and said, “It is good.” Also, Kate gave her brother a car. And a nice
watch. And some root beer. And the Lord smiled. Because he just had his
teeth cleaned. The end.
Love,
Matt
While at work I was thinking about a present to get you for Christmas and I decided it should be something original, something I hadn’t given you before. The thought crossed my mind that I hadn’t ever written you a letter. I don’t write many letters. “Matt, you’re a genius,” I thought. “You can write Kate a letter—it’s inexpensive, easy, and all together original.” After all, who’s ever heard of a letter for a Christmas present? My conscience got the better of me and I decided this could be jus t a part of the present this Christmas. So, without further ado, here is your amazing Christmas present. Read on, if you dare. You can share it with others or keep it for yourself, whichever you deem appropriate.
Dear Kate,
How are you? I am fine. I like to ride horses. My favorite color is green. My best friend said I should join the circus. How old are you? What is the name of your frog? Do cats have ears? How about bats? I know a man named Curdle Hoger. He likes to borrow money. Blankets are warm. When they are wool. And thick. My doctor said that I am not to poke sharp objects in my ears anymore. What’s a sharp object? Sometimes I get a funny feeling in my stomach. After I eat glue. I can wiggle my ears. I like ears. Ears are alright. Dogs make funny noises. Sometimes. Like when they are chasing armadillos, Or eating peanut butter......
At this point in the letter, I think I shall switch modes to a style more acceptable to general society as a whole. Society like poets, so I shall become a poet.
Dearest Kate within whom yonder calls
Oh, how I wish words weren’t necessary
to describe the joy at which the meadow
becomes the meadowlark
It is at this point, my dear, that
Nuclear Power, its resonant head striking
forward, becomes at peace with me
and my immortal soul—gesturing wildly
with innocent abandon, smelling slightly
fish like with no room for eggplant.
Kate, oh Kate, oh Kate, God shed his
grace on thee.......
Speaking of thee, at this point in the letter, the author would like to once again switch literary styles. He would now like to speak in the form of a biblical scholar. Hold tight.
Deareth Kate,
verse 1 Thy Lord hath given thee but one promise—If though listen to my
workeths, thou shalt giveth thy brother one half of all thou maketh.
Foreth example, Thy Lord sayeth, If thou receiveth Ten goats, thou shalt
giveth thy brother, he being the younger of thy brothers, five of said goats.
The same goes for money and jewelry too, yo. Heareth my word and
obeyeth me, sayeth thy Lord, else I will striketh thou down and cuteth off
thy fingers and feedeth them to thy goats. They I shalt smile in eternal
glee, for I am thy eternal protector. And if thy neighbor should have a
yard light which shineth all night, go to thy neighbor’s yard light and
smiteth it in the name of me, THY LORD>
verse 2 And it came to pass that the Lord was happy with Kate, for she did as she
was commanded. However, her brother was shivering in the cold, for he
had no goats for warmth at night. Thus, Kate went to her brother, he
being the younger, and gave him all of her money and cd’s. And the Lord
saw it and said, “It is good.” Also, Kate gave her brother a car. And a nice
watch. And some root beer. And the Lord smiled. Because he just had his
teeth cleaned. The end.
Love,
Matt
Can I be the first to comment? you are a wonderful blogger...can I add you to my list of daily blog check-list? you should have that letter framed - that really is cool and sweet. I love your PINK blog...keep it up! Ps...did you ever have biting issues with Parker biting his little brother?
ReplyDeleteKate, that is the awesomest letter from your awesomest brother. Awesome, awesome, awesome! ;)
ReplyDeleteps. you ARE a good blogger!
Pam
Hey! I am the awesomest (sic) brother!!! I seem to remember that letter...I think you showed it to me. And I agree, you should have it framed. And Matt, maybe you should reconsider careers...I mean, hey, fossils are cool and all, but you have a real gift with words.
ReplyDeleteMike (the awesomest (sic) brother)